I have been contemplating weight-loss a lot since my last post.
I feel like ever since I started losing weight I have become a bit obsessed with what I eat, how much, researching what I should eat and what I shouldn’t eat when it’s really pretty simple: if you eat more veggies and less sugar and processed foods you’ll be healthier.
Healthier is the goal. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in trying to lose weight and not think about what I’m eating. I could eat 1200 calories a day and not be healthy because of where I’m getting those calories. This is why counting calories or carbs has been difficult for me because I wind up eating things I shouldn’t because I’m focused on a number, not the fact that it’s a vegetable as opposed to a brownie (just as an example).
The last few weeks I’ve been doing good with working out more regularly and eating healthier and I feel good. But my weight has only yo-yo’d. I went down to 162lbs from Keto and shot back up with 164lbs within a day.
Today, I was playing a game and Joktavious brought over a photo he found and handed it to me. It was a picture from last year before I started losing weight and I nearly cried. (I get kind of emotional when I look at how far I’ve come.)
I was 210lbs here. The heaviest and most inactive I’ve ever really been. I got up to 240lbs when I was pregnant with Tavo, the first 30 came off super easy with just breastfeeding and then I maintained 210 for nearly a year until I decided to get serious.
So I’m down nearly 50lbs since January 2016. Those 50lbs came off so easy. My body did not like being that heavy and it was easy to shed that weight. All I did was walk, eat about half as much as I had been (I didn’t track a single calorie) and stopped eating sugar and junk food. More vegetables, more water, etc. The normal healthy stuff everyone says to do. There’s a reason they say that (Hint: IT ACTUALLY WORKS!).
The last few months my body has not cooperated when it comes to losing more weight. I fight my way down to 162 and within the next couple day’s if I just barely eat over my calorie count for the day I go back to 162. My goal of 125 feels impossible.
So I started thinking, why do I want to get to 125? I typed in my height, age and gender into an online calculator one time, years ago and it told me “hey, you’re supposed to be 125”. But why? I’m sure there’s some kind of science behind it, but why do *I* want to be 125? is it because I feel unattractive where I am? well, no, because I know I’m beautiful; my husband, my family, everyone tells me so and I know they love me enough not to lie so that’s not it. My husband still loved me when I was 210lbs, depressed and had a half shaved head, I think he prefers me now, but still he didn’t love me any less then.
So what’s the big hairy deal with 125? why am I focusing on an arbitrary number like that? also, take a look at these two pictures:
I was the same weight in these pictures, and yet I look smaller on the right! weird right? yeah, that’s why I think this is a bunch of bull(oney).
The last few years I have weighed myself pretty much every day religiously and each time (aside from the few months I was dropping 10lbs a month) I was disappointed. The last few months has been the same story, I weigh myself once in the morning, groan because I either gained a pound or two or maintained and then weigh myself throughout the day so I know if I ate too much, groan again because I know I will gain or at the least maintain the next day. Then repeat.
Every time I look at food I think “if I eat that, I’ll gain weight,” “If I eat that, I won’t lose; I’ll just maintain,” and I’ll avoid it and avoid it until I finally cave and then feel guilty. And I’m not talking an entire cake here, I mean like if I want another slice of beef or more carrots or a handful of almonds.
I am so freaking tired of this guys, it’s SO dumb! because honestly, I’m healthy, I’m eating healthy. I have chocolate occasionally but my meals are mostly homecooked, we eat out once or twice when Jon is home (and not like mcdonalds either, usually oriental food and occasionally Papa Murphy’s pizza) but most everything we eat is homemade, good healthy food. I exercise at least a few times a week if not every day on a good week. I’m the healthiest, smallest and strongest I’ve ever been (including when I was in roller derby) and I am feeling stressed at food. This shouldn’t be how my life works. I shouldn’t be letting this consume me.
So here’s the thing.
I’m ditching my scale.
Well, not completely ditching it, but I’m going to put it off the to side and only weigh myself once a month, maybe twice, we’ll see. I’ll be measuring myself and going off of how my clothes fit in the meantime. If things start to get tight, I’ll know I need to change things up.
This scares the heck outta me, seriously. It’s going to be an intense habit to break. I’m afraid that after a month I’ll gain ten pounds because that’s how I think, if I don’t weigh myself every day I’ll gain weight and it’s not necessarily true, but it’s definitely stressing me out. So, I’m going to stop. I don’t need this stress.
Not that I’m giving up and just going to go on a pig out. I’m going to continue eating healthy, exercising regularly and just relax and enjoy being healthy.
I’m happy with my body honestly. Especially while I’m working out and eating right, I look in the mirror and think “you look strong and beautiful” as opposed to last year when I fought to look in the mirror and not think that I looked ugly. I know I probably sound conceited, but it’s true, I like how I look. I’m a bit squishy in the middle but that’ll tone up in time with working out.
I’m ridding myself of deadlines, I’m ridding myself of pressure. My body seems pretty happy being in the 160’s. I’m going to feed it right, work it right and hydrate it well and see if it decides to drop to the 150’s or just maintain in the 160’s as I continue to get stronger and leaner.
Stress is not good for anyone, and I know for a fact that my body responds extremely negatively to stress, so maybe this is what’s keeping me from dropping more weight too? regardless, I see noticeable differences in the mirror and can feel it all over when I’m working out and I can rarely see it on the scale so I’m going to take things in a different direction.
I’m working on strength, I’m working on health, I’m working on being happy and stress free and that means the scale is going and my “ideal weight” is tossed out the window. ( #byefelicia! )
So, my message for all you beautiful ladies out there (and you guys too, really) you need to do what YOU want. Look in the mirror, do you like where you are? yes? awesome! keep doing what you do gorgeous cause it’s working! this is all about goals, my personal goal was to be healthy, I set a weight goal without really thinking about it and the last year I’ve been going back and forth wondering what I’ll even look like at 125? I think I’ll look too small. I guess if I’m all muscle it might not be too bad, but I have no idea what I’d look like. Honestly I don’t mind my size, I just want to be more toned. So I’m perfectly fine with my decision to do things different now.
Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramblings. Hopefully this helped some of you out too! x