(video) Book Haul: Toddler Books, Mysteries, GoT and HORROR

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Hello lovelies!
I decided to do a book haul video since I’ve never done one and they seem fun!

Here are the titles:

Piglet is Entirely Surrounded by Water,” – A. A. Milne
Winnie the Pooh and Some Bees” – A. A. Milne

Another Monster at the End of This Book” – Sesame Street
Green Eggs and Ham” – Dr. Seuss
Richard Scarry’s Bedtime Stories
Miracles of Jesus,” – Golden Book
Comfort for a Child’s Heart,” – David & Helen Haidle

M.C. Beaton books:
“Agatha Raisin and the Case of the Curious Curate”
Agatha Raisin and the Wizard of Evesham
Agatha Raisin and the Love from Hell

(Hamish Macbeth Mysteries:)

“Death of a Bore”
“Death of a Poison Pen”

“A Clash of King’s” – George R. R. Martin
“A Feast for Crows” – George R. R. Martin

“Bag of Bones” – Stephen King

Soul Searching

Hello lovelies,

So, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I mean, what else is one supposed to do when everything in your life completely falls apart, right?

I’ve been analyzing my past, my decisions, fighting feeling like an idiot…

The uncertainty of my whole world right now is enough to make me just want to curl up and stay in bed for the rest of my time on this earth.

Obviously, that isn’t what will happen. That isn’t what I was put here to do and while it’s a valid feeling for this overwhelmed introvert, I refuse to let this situation define me and make me miss out on the life God has mapped out for me.

I have come to the realization that I have been living selfishly.

Yes, selfishly.

My whole life I’ve gone to church, I had a journal that I wrote to my future husband in, I was saving my first kiss for my wedding day, I wanted to be a wife and mother SO BAD. To have home births, homeschool my kids and be a hippy mom, to sit in church with a whole row of children like my mother did.

I remember having other dreams too; I wanted to be an archaeologist, a singer, an actress, a navy seal, I wanted to get a malamute and travel around Alaska hiking, camping and kayaking and just be an adventurer out by myself with my dog.

But I always came back to wanting to be a wife and mom like my own mom. I admired her (and still do) and she is the most amazing, strongest woman I know.

I remember when I was in my teens, there was a visiting pastor from Kenya, he preached about the ministry they were doing there and he had a bunch of hand carved giraffes and other animals from the villages there he was selling to raise some money. I remember how excited I felt when I was asked to help him man his table, I was ecstatic to get to be part of something that was so important and I remember feeling I was called to go help people and be part of some kind of ministry.

But as I got older, all my other dreams kind of fell away because I got ‘boy crazy’. I compromised my standards constantly in search of “the one” and instead of following what God had put in my heart, I wound up twice divorced and a single mom.

What on earth happened?

I could go on for hours talking about where I went wrong, because I can actually think back to the first few times when I didn’t listen to the advice from my parents, people who were put on this earth who have far more life experience than I do and were given an outside perspective into my personal life and had given me sound advice which I in turn rejected and arrogantly thought I knew better only to now be proven wrong.

But, truthfully, dwelling on how stupid I was won’t fix anything it only hinders my progress.

When I think back to the few times I remember feeling called I realize that instead of thinking about it, reading my Bible, praying over the idea, asking people what they thought of it, I kept it to myself. I figured I couldn’t be a missionary because I was a woman, I was going to be a wife and mother and live the same kind of life my mom and other women I knew lived. Not because I was told point blank that this is what I should do, but because it was just what I knew and I figured that was what my life should be. I wasn’t going to be a missionary, I was going to raise a missionary.

I think that is where I went wrong, truthfully. Instead of believing I had heard what my calling was, I just blocked it out because I wanted this beautiful picture of a marriage and children and all of that instead of the possibility of being single and childless and chasing after God with everything within me. Not that that is what my future would have been like had I gone off to be a missionary, but it is one of those possibilities.

I’m not saying that being a wife and mother is bad or that God doesn’t call women to do those thing, but I have this feeling of regret, that I missed the point and that’s why I’m in the mess I’m in now.

Obviously, I do not regret having my son. He is the absolute best thing that has happened to me and I am so incredibly thankful I was chosen to be his mother. Even with as uncertain as life is I know God has a plan and he will never forsake me, no matter how many times I chose what I wanted over asking what he wants from me.

I’m changing that now. Now I am praying, I’m asking, I’m actively seeking God. I will no longer put what I want ahead of what he wants. I may not be able to run off and be a missionary in Africa right this moment, but what I can do is continue praying and reading my Bible. I can learn what it means to spread the Gospel. I can volunteer locally. I can bring my son with me to Church and community events to help people and show him what being a follower of Christ truly means. I know that this is something that I need to do with my life, I need to help others in any way I can. Who says I have to go help people in another country when there are thousands here who need our help? no one. For now, I feel called to help others and that can be done right here, right now.

I’m going through so many changes right now with everything, the only way I can describe it is this: you know how blacksmiths heat up metal and it melts and then they bash it into the shape they need it to be in? yeah, that’s what I feel like. Every day has it’s ups and downs.

But even through all this chaos, I can see God’s hand, I can feel his presence. Even when I’m bawling my eyes out over how unfair life is I can see how blessed I am and as always there is a shining light at the end of that tunnel and one day I will look back on this and think “wow, I don’t know how you did it, but thank you for bringing me through that, Lord.”

And boy, I cannot WAIT for that day

Requiem for Arbitrary Numbers

Hello lovelies!

I have been contemplating weight-loss a lot since my last post.

I feel like ever since I started losing weight I have become a bit obsessed with what I eat, how much, researching what I should eat and what I shouldn’t eat when it’s really pretty simple: if you eat more veggies and less sugar and processed foods you’ll be healthier.

Healthier is the goal. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in trying to lose weight and not think about what I’m eating. I could eat 1200 calories a day and not be healthy because of where I’m getting those calories. This is why counting calories or carbs has been difficult for me because I wind up eating things I shouldn’t because I’m focused on a number, not the fact that it’s a vegetable as opposed to a brownie (just as an example).

The last few weeks I’ve been doing good with working out more regularly and eating healthier and I feel good. But my weight has only yo-yo’d. I went down to 162lbs from Keto and shot back up with 164lbs within a day.

Today, I was playing a game and Joktavious brought over a photo he found and handed it to me. It was a picture from last year before I started losing weight and I nearly cried. (I get kind of emotional when I look at how far I’ve come.)

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I was 210lbs here. The heaviest and most inactive I’ve ever really been. I got up to 240lbs when I was pregnant with Tavo, the first 30 came off super easy with just breastfeeding and then I maintained 210 for nearly a year until I decided to get serious.

So I’m down nearly 50lbs since January 2016. Those 50lbs came off so easy. My body did not like being that heavy and it was easy to shed that weight. All I did was walk, eat about half as much as I had been (I didn’t track a single calorie) and stopped eating sugar and junk food. More vegetables, more water, etc. The normal healthy stuff everyone says to do. There’s a reason they say that (Hint: IT ACTUALLY WORKS!).

The last few months my body has not cooperated when it comes to losing more weight. I fight my way down to 162 and within the next couple day’s if I just barely eat over my calorie count for the day I go back to 162. My goal of 125 feels impossible.

So I started thinking, why do I want to get to 125? I typed in my height, age and gender into an online calculator one time, years ago and it told me “hey, you’re supposed to be 125”. But why? I’m sure there’s some kind of science behind it, but why do *I* want to be 125? is it because I feel unattractive where I am? well, no, because I know I’m beautiful; my husband, my family, everyone tells me so and I know they love me enough not to lie so that’s not it. My husband still loved me when I was 210lbs, depressed and had a half shaved head, I think he prefers me now, but still he didn’t love me any less then.

So what’s the big hairy deal with 125? why am I focusing on an arbitrary number like that? also, take a look at these two pictures:

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I was the same weight in these pictures, and yet I look smaller on the right! weird right? yeah, that’s why I think this is a bunch of bull(oney).

The last few years I have weighed myself pretty much every day religiously and each time (aside from the few months I was dropping 10lbs a month) I was disappointed. The last few months has been the same story, I weigh myself once in the morning, groan because I either gained a pound or two or maintained and then weigh myself throughout the day so I know if I ate too much, groan again because I know I will gain or at the least maintain the next day. Then repeat.

 

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Every time I look at food I think “if I eat that, I’ll gain weight,” “If I eat that, I won’t lose; I’ll just maintain,” and I’ll avoid it and avoid it until I finally cave and then feel guilty. And I’m not talking an entire cake here, I mean like if I want another slice of beef or more carrots or a handful of almonds.

I am so freaking tired of this guys, it’s SO dumb! because honestly, I’m healthy, I’m eating healthy. I have chocolate occasionally but my meals are mostly homecooked, we eat out once or twice when Jon is home (and not like mcdonalds either, usually oriental food and occasionally Papa Murphy’s pizza) but most everything we eat is homemade, good healthy food. I exercise at least a few times a week if not every day on a good week. I’m the healthiest, smallest and strongest I’ve ever been (including when I was in roller derby) and I am feeling stressed at food. This shouldn’t be how my life works. I shouldn’t be letting this consume me.

So here’s the thing.

I’m ditching my scale.

Well, not completely ditching it, but I’m going to put it off the to side and only weigh myself once a month, maybe twice, we’ll see. I’ll be measuring myself and going off of how my clothes fit in the meantime. If things start to get tight, I’ll know I need to change things up.

This scares the heck outta me, seriously. It’s going to be an intense habit to break. I’m afraid that after a month I’ll gain ten pounds because that’s how I think, if I don’t weigh myself every day I’ll gain weight and it’s not necessarily true, but it’s definitely stressing me out. So, I’m going to stop. I don’t need this stress.

Not that I’m giving up and just going to go on a pig out. I’m going to continue eating healthy, exercising regularly and just relax and enjoy being healthy.

I’m happy with my body honestly. Especially while I’m working out and eating right, I look in the mirror and think “you look strong and beautiful” as opposed to last year when I fought to look in the mirror and not think that I looked ugly. I know I probably sound conceited, but it’s true, I like how I look. I’m a bit squishy in the middle but that’ll tone up in time with working out.

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I’m ridding myself of deadlines, I’m ridding myself of pressure. My body seems pretty happy being in the 160’s. I’m going to feed it right, work it right and hydrate it well and see if it decides to drop to the 150’s or just maintain in the 160’s as I continue to get stronger and leaner.

Stress is not good for anyone, and I know for a fact that my body responds extremely negatively to stress, so maybe this is what’s keeping me from dropping more weight too? regardless, I see noticeable differences in the mirror and can feel it all over when I’m working out and I can rarely see it on the scale so I’m going to take things in a different direction.

I’m working on strength, I’m working on health, I’m working on being happy and stress free and that means the scale is going and my “ideal weight” is tossed out the window. ( #byefelicia! )

 

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So, my message for all you beautiful ladies out there (and you guys too, really) you need to do what YOU want. Look in the mirror, do you like where you are? yes? awesome! keep doing what you do gorgeous cause it’s working! this is all about goals, my personal goal was to be healthy, I set a weight goal without really thinking about it and the last year I’ve been going back and forth wondering what I’ll even look like at 125? I think I’ll look too small. I guess if I’m all muscle it might not be too bad, but I have no idea what I’d look like. Honestly I don’t mind my size, I just want to be more toned. So I’m perfectly fine with my decision to do things different now.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramblings. Hopefully this helped some of you out too! x