I want a Foundation, not to be Swept off My Feet

So, I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking lately.

Digging deep into my heart and emotions as my brain replays clips from my past relationships. Where have I gone wrong, what could I have done differently…normal questions like that flood my mind, along with fighting the urge to once again tell myself I was SO stupid.

Negative thoughts won’t help anyone and they definitely don’t allow me to move forward either.

I have done a lot of healing and processing, but I can tell I still have a long way to go in the grand scheme of things. I still can’t believe that in only about four months it will have been a whole year since that fateful day in December 2016 when my whole life imploded.

One thing I have realized is that for the moment, I am perfectly content being single. Maybe I won’t be forever, but there’s a certain peace and comfort I feel at the thought of not having to try and pour so much of my empty, broken self into another person. I don’t have enough of anything to help anyone in that way right now and the kind of lover I am and the kind of lover I want to be are two vastly different things.

There are aspects I love about myself that are positive, but there are plenty of things I need to change about myself.

I love easily, passionately and wholeheartedly, this isn’t a bad thing, but it leads to fierce loyalty to the point where I won’t leave when I should because I feel so attached to that person that I can’t even fathom breaking things off, even when I can feel and know that it isn’t right.

I need to become more balanced, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that at all. I think it will come in time, but I need to give it time to happen.

When I fall in love, I become so dedicated to that person and their dreams that often my own dreams get moved to the back burner. I can’t…multitask my emotions for some reason, it’s all about them. I don’t think this is necessarily a really bad thing…but I need to be able to hang on to who I am and not just completely change to match someone else.

I feel like this is all stuff I should have figured out years ago, but there’s no use dwelling on that, I need to work this out now and allow myself to grow in these areas that I’ve noticed.

Another thing I have realized is I don’t want to be swept off my feet or fought over. I have had plenty of young men flirt with me and lately I have caught myself rolling my eyes. It feels forced, it feels fake…it’s like they try so hard and you can just tell it isn’t natural and I’d rather people just get to know me and let the conversation flow naturally.

I don’t want to be swept off my feet by some magical, sweet-tongued, unrealistic prince…I want a strong, capable warrior to build a strong foundation with me. I want a comfortable love, not passionless, but the kind that starts as a small spark and maintains a slow flame that keeps you warm all day not just a burst of flame that dies after a while and turns to ash.

I don’t want to be dragged to fancy restaurants where I’ll feel out of place and uncomfortable. I want someone who will take me out camping under the stars on a whim because we both had the time. Someone who will sing with me to songs we barely know the lyrics to and not care if one or both of us is off tune because we’re just having too much fun to care.

I want a real love, not a fairytale. I’m not saying anything is wrong with fairytales, I enjoy them, but I need a trustworthy man, someone who won’t run when it gets tough and won’t fall in love with another princess because he’s easily distracted by shiny things.

I haven’t quite figured out who I am even, which is sad really given that I’m 25 and a mother. I defined myself as a stay-at-home-wife-and-mom for so long, even before I was married I had wanted that for myself and now I’m redefining who I am and I’m realizing that I’m wild and unpredictable. Some days I wake up ready to take on the world, and others I want to lie in bed because the emotion feels crushing.

I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this…I’m just trying to process what I’ve been feeling lately. I never thought I would get to a point in my life where I’d be okay with being single. I know that someday I’ll want a man in my life as more than a friend, but right now I’m content with waiting on God’s timing. I’m definitely not out to find him anytime soon.

Right after my husband left me with nothing, I looked at my mom with tears in my eyes and a broken heart and said “I never want to be dependent on a man again,” and I still hold to that. I will make my own way in the world and if a man wants to join me, he can. If not, my life won’t be any less of a rich adventure.

 

 

 

Adobe Spark (9)

#Blessed

Hello lovelies!

****Disclaimer: I am a Christian and this post contains some spiritual revelations, so if that isn’t your cup of tea, feel free to skip over it. x ****

Sunday I had a “God moment” for lack of a better term. It really was more like an all day thing though, it started with church and took a while for me to really fully realize what God was telling me, but it was amazing and I wanted to share with you all.

At Church the past few Sunday’s the sermon series has been about Job. Which I found hilariously ironic because before the series had started I told my Mom that with everything going on in my life, I felt so much like Job. I identify with his story in ways I never thought I would. During this last sermon that was wrapping up the series the pastor shared this verse:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”

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And as I thought about it more and more as we were going home and before I had to leave again that evening to take my son to visitation, I started to think back to when I was younger and would listen to people’s testimonies and think they were amazing, I couldn’t relate as well with most of them because I was raised in a loving Christian home and going to Church, I had given my life to Christ out of love at a young age, at that point I hadn’t ever really experienced tragic loss, there was some family drama and even though that was painful it still didn’t feel like a great big thing that I needed redemption from. I felt like my testimony was “boring” somehow because of how peaceful my life had been, all 14 years of it at that point.

Boy has THAT changed.

I miss my innocent days, honestly. Before I went through my apathetic Christian stage and made some bad choices. But throughout that day I realized that sure, this situation I’m in sucks, and yes, I wish it was different, but now? now I have a testimony of how amazing God can be even after we go through a period of ignoring him and seeking our own path.

I never rejected God, but I chose to live with my husband before we were married and have a sexual relationship out of marriage. I couldn’t go to church because of the guilt I felt, I couldn’t open my Bible to read it because of my guilt, I couldn’t hardly pray, I would start trying to pray like I normally had and I would stop because how could I ask God for anything or even just speak to Him when I was not only blatantly disobeying Him but dishonoring my parents as well. It was a really hard time in my life, I had never felt like I couldn’t speak with God like that before or since. I know I could have still prayed, but I didn’t feel right about it because my spirit wasn’t right with Him.

So that was my first revelation; that I now have a testimony from a different perspective that I will be able to share eventually in order to help others through similar situations.

I felt more at peace after that, going to church and worshiping normally leaves me with that feeling anyway, but I felt like I’m allowing God to show me my purpose and trusting him more than I ever have.

So, after this I took my son to visitation had an unpleasant encounter with someone that left me a bit spooled up and I called my mom while walking around Target for the two hours I had to be in town waiting. After speaking to my Mom I felt more at peace again, then I got a text from my sister that left me stressed out and worrying once again. As I was driving home and my brain kept turning over what she had told me I stopped myself and turned the radio up louder. The song that was playing was David Dunn’s ‘I wanna Go Back’ I’ve heard this song quite a few times, but it hit home more at this moment and I just started singing as loud as I could and worshiping. If you haven’t heard it here is the chorus:

“..I wanna go back
To Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me
For the Bible tells me so
I wanna go back
To this little light
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
I wanna go back..”

It just hit me right at that moment because I really do miss the days when life was simpler, when God was all I needed and I started to realize that this storm I am going through is exactly what I needed to remember that God really is all that I need and that no matter what happens, He is always there for me.

That’s when the song changed and Toby Mac’s “Beyond Me” started playing.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I’ve never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond me
Yeah, it’s out of my league
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin’ on You
I’m leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin’ it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can’t handle on my own
And Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

I have always loved this song, but I started singing along and as I sang my revelation really sank in and I just started laughing. This warm feeling of peace and happiness started to wash over me and I just worshiped while driving down the road. It was amazing, it was wonderful, it was a total Spiritual moment. I could feel God’s presence with me in the vehicle, driving home with me.

But that’s not the end of my story, nope. As I was turning onto the driveway to head home, guess who was stopped on his way out? yup. The man I have spent the last four years devoted to, the one I was praying for, the one I had a child with, the one I forgave and loved and fought for even though he broke my heart countless times, the man I would have never given up on.

I continued driving and singing my way down the road and at that moment, God revealed to me that this was the third time today the devil has tried to steal my joy. Every time I had started to feel at peace something had happened to get my anxiety going and make me worry again. I thought back to every moment the last few months where I have had my joy taken and I refused to have this moment taken from me right now. I can’t even describe accurately what happened next but it was amazing and completely out of my comfort zone, I know I am going to sound like a crazy person here for a moment, but I just laughed in satans face as I rebuked him. It was the most empowering moment I have had in my life (aside from giving birth, because that trumps everything and was one of the first times in my adult life I had felt the Holy Spirit’s presence) I just spoke and the words came out. I told him he had no place in my life, that my joy and my faith was in God, that no matter what happens in my life he cannot have me and he will not win. I am going to serve God til the end of my life and nothing this world throws at me will change that, if anything the more pain and heartache I receive will push me closer to God, so bring it on.

I realized that this situation is the most amazing thing that could have happened to me, because without this heartbreaking situation I would have continued my lukewarm existence, I wouldn’t have found the strength I have right now, I wouldn’t have pursued Christ like I am at this moment, I wouldn’t have this testimony to share. I am so thankful for absolutely everything in my life and I am done dwelling on my mistakes. God has taken them and thrown them as far as the east is from the west, he has washed away my sins and I am free to be in his presence, a new creation and claim myself as the Daughter of Christ. How amazing is that? how wonderful is it that God looked at me and said, “YOU are my beloved, I am with you even though you have fought against me, even though you have disobeyed me, I know this is going to hurt you but I will be with you through the whole situation and I will help you grow into the wonderful, beautiful, strong woman that I know you are and you will be able to help others through your experience so that they can experience the fullness and peace that I bring,”

Amen. I am so blessed. I can’t even express how blessed I am right now. I know that sounds crazy, it still makes me laugh when I realize that I am thankful for this horrible situation, how can I be thankful for this? I have never been at this point in my faith and as much as it kind of scares me, I am so excited and on fire for God. This is why I was created, to share how amazing God is, how forgiving He is, that no matter how much I had ignored him for years He is moving in my life and I can see his hand in every step of the way.

Praise God.

He is Good, always and forever.

 

#blessed

MLM What not to do: Associate Stalking

Hello lovelies,

So, I may be new to the network marketing scene and I certainly do not have everything figured out, so this is mostly just my newbie opinion. But from everything I’ve been learning and observing, I’ve picked up a few things and I’ve been noticing some things that are a major turn off for people when approached by “one of THOSE MLM people..” which, truthfully gives the rest of us a bad name, so here’s a reminder and some basic rules to follow for anyone else who is new to this industry.

Associate Stalkers (for lack of a better term)

You know, the people who look for people in companies that have gone under. I’m not talking about the ones who genuinely are reaching out trying to help, but the ones who say “find ALL the people in this-and-such-company-that-just-went-down and recruit them all”. The people who see other companies failing as a feeding ground full of prospects. The only thing they care about is making their team bigger.

It’s ridiculously classless in my opinion.

For example, I posted a video of me playing a song with my guitar publicly on my Facebook profile and noticed a comment from a woman that read “did you get my message?” I checked my inbox and indeed had not received a message from her, I clicked through her profile only to discover we weren’t friends although we did have some mutual friends, so I clicked the message icon on her profile and there was her message to me asking if I was still with Maëlle. Turns out she was just wanting me to join whatever MLM she is with (she never said). Here is how she failed to “make the sale” to me:

  1. Commented on a public video of mine without saying anything about the content of said video (she didn’t even like it) she only asked if I had received her message. Because, you know, how dare I continue with my regular posting without receiving and responding to her message, right? rude.
  2. Never sent a friends request or showed interest in being friends
  3. Never connected on a personal level—my music video was a perfect opportunity for that.

So here is a simple example of a way she could have connected with me and possibly gained a new team mate, had I been interested.

I post the video. She sees it somehow (possibly through mutual friends). She comments “wow! I love this, you are very talented” (or some other genuine compliment). She messages me. “Hey, I see you were with Maëlle, I’m so sorry to hear what happened. I too am in a MLM company so I can empathize how stressful being out of work would be.”

That would have opened up a dialogue where we could have connected and at least been friends, if not teammates. I have no idea what she has going on, I already have another company I’m working with as well so I may not have been interested, then again, maybe I would have, you never know. But that would have been a much better way to connect rather than the way it played out. I’ll post a screenshot just so you can see what exactly went down:

whatnottodo

As you can see, there’s not much personal connecting or ‘networking’ going on. It made me feel upset, because she didn’t genuinely care about me, she just wanted to see if I was interested in her opportunity. Keep in mind, I don’t know this woman from Eve (and even then, I know more about Eve…) I don’t particularly care that she doesn’t care about me, but her message made me feel like I was cut down to just another prospect, just another random profile she’s been messaging to see if an unfortunate victim of two companies’ lawsuit would be interested in whatever particular brand of ‘extra money’ opportunity she is peddling.

Even though I know this is just what most MLM people do, it has an effect. So think about the people who are approached who don’t have the experience I have with MLM companies. It sets us up as uncaring people involved in some giant scheme to stalk and add as many people to their teams and Facebook groups as possible and then the next person they hear talk about how evil “pyramid schemes” are, they believe and add their own experience with “one of those scammers” to the mix. It’s this endless cycle of misinformation that needs to end.

And, it’s not that there is anything wrong with wanting people to join your team or try your products, obviously. But it’s all about the approach.

At first I was going to leave it to the first response and not worry about saying anything else, but it bugs me that people think this is okay. It gives network marketing a bad name and I think it needs to change. We need to be solving problems in peoples lives not seeing people solely as prospects.

See a need, fill a need.

It’s a basic concept. And her intentions were probably more honorable than what came across, but it’s your approach that will make or break a connection. Sometimes we get so caught up and excited in the opportunity we have that we forget to slow down and make sure we are connecting on a personal level with our prospects.

Be thoughtful and genuine with everything that you do and you will attract the right people to your team and you will start to see the success that you want in your business and your life.