#Blessed

Hello lovelies!

****Disclaimer: I am a Christian and this post contains some spiritual revelations, so if that isn’t your cup of tea, feel free to skip over it. x ****

Sunday I had a “God moment” for lack of a better term. It really was more like an all day thing though, it started with church and took a while for me to really fully realize what God was telling me, but it was amazing and I wanted to share with you all.

At Church the past few Sunday’s the sermon series has been about Job. Which I found hilariously ironic because before the series had started I told my Mom that with everything going on in my life, I felt so much like Job. I identify with his story in ways I never thought I would. During this last sermon that was wrapping up the series the pastor shared this verse:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”

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And as I thought about it more and more as we were going home and before I had to leave again that evening to take my son to visitation, I started to think back to when I was younger and would listen to people’s testimonies and think they were amazing, I couldn’t relate as well with most of them because I was raised in a loving Christian home and going to Church, I had given my life to Christ out of love at a young age, at that point I hadn’t ever really experienced tragic loss, there was some family drama and even though that was painful it still didn’t feel like a great big thing that I needed redemption from. I felt like my testimony was “boring” somehow because of how peaceful my life had been, all 14 years of it at that point.

Boy has THAT changed.

I miss my innocent days, honestly. Before I went through my apathetic Christian stage and made some bad choices. But throughout that day I realized that sure, this situation I’m in sucks, and yes, I wish it was different, but now? now I have a testimony of how amazing God can be even after we go through a period of ignoring him and seeking our own path.

I never rejected God, but I chose to live with my husband before we were married and have a sexual relationship out of marriage. I couldn’t go to church because of the guilt I felt, I couldn’t open my Bible to read it because of my guilt, I couldn’t hardly pray, I would start trying to pray like I normally had and I would stop because how could I ask God for anything or even just speak to Him when I was not only blatantly disobeying Him but dishonoring my parents as well. It was a really hard time in my life, I had never felt like I couldn’t speak with God like that before or since. I know I could have still prayed, but I didn’t feel right about it because my spirit wasn’t right with Him.

So that was my first revelation; that I now have a testimony from a different perspective that I will be able to share eventually in order to help others through similar situations.

I felt more at peace after that, going to church and worshiping normally leaves me with that feeling anyway, but I felt like I’m allowing God to show me my purpose and trusting him more than I ever have.

So, after this I took my son to visitation had an unpleasant encounter with someone that left me a bit spooled up and I called my mom while walking around Target for the two hours I had to be in town waiting. After speaking to my Mom I felt more at peace again, then I got a text from my sister that left me stressed out and worrying once again. As I was driving home and my brain kept turning over what she had told me I stopped myself and turned the radio up louder. The song that was playing was David Dunn’s ‘I wanna Go Back’ I’ve heard this song quite a few times, but it hit home more at this moment and I just started singing as loud as I could and worshiping. If you haven’t heard it here is the chorus:

“..I wanna go back
To Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me
For the Bible tells me so
I wanna go back
To this little light
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
I wanna go back..”

It just hit me right at that moment because I really do miss the days when life was simpler, when God was all I needed and I started to realize that this storm I am going through is exactly what I needed to remember that God really is all that I need and that no matter what happens, He is always there for me.

That’s when the song changed and Toby Mac’s “Beyond Me” started playing.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I’ve never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond me
Yeah, it’s out of my league
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin’ on You
I’m leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin’ it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can’t handle on my own
And Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

I have always loved this song, but I started singing along and as I sang my revelation really sank in and I just started laughing. This warm feeling of peace and happiness started to wash over me and I just worshiped while driving down the road. It was amazing, it was wonderful, it was a total Spiritual moment. I could feel God’s presence with me in the vehicle, driving home with me.

But that’s not the end of my story, nope. As I was turning onto the driveway to head home, guess who was stopped on his way out? yup. The man I have spent the last four years devoted to, the one I was praying for, the one I had a child with, the one I forgave and loved and fought for even though he broke my heart countless times, the man I would have never given up on.

I continued driving and singing my way down the road and at that moment, God revealed to me that this was the third time today the devil has tried to steal my joy. Every time I had started to feel at peace something had happened to get my anxiety going and make me worry again. I thought back to every moment the last few months where I have had my joy taken and I refused to have this moment taken from me right now. I can’t even describe accurately what happened next but it was amazing and completely out of my comfort zone, I know I am going to sound like a crazy person here for a moment, but I just laughed in satans face as I rebuked him. It was the most empowering moment I have had in my life (aside from giving birth, because that trumps everything and was one of the first times in my adult life I had felt the Holy Spirit’s presence) I just spoke and the words came out. I told him he had no place in my life, that my joy and my faith was in God, that no matter what happens in my life he cannot have me and he will not win. I am going to serve God til the end of my life and nothing this world throws at me will change that, if anything the more pain and heartache I receive will push me closer to God, so bring it on.

I realized that this situation is the most amazing thing that could have happened to me, because without this heartbreaking situation I would have continued my lukewarm existence, I wouldn’t have found the strength I have right now, I wouldn’t have pursued Christ like I am at this moment, I wouldn’t have this testimony to share. I am so thankful for absolutely everything in my life and I am done dwelling on my mistakes. God has taken them and thrown them as far as the east is from the west, he has washed away my sins and I am free to be in his presence, a new creation and claim myself as the Daughter of Christ. How amazing is that? how wonderful is it that God looked at me and said, “YOU are my beloved, I am with you even though you have fought against me, even though you have disobeyed me, I know this is going to hurt you but I will be with you through the whole situation and I will help you grow into the wonderful, beautiful, strong woman that I know you are and you will be able to help others through your experience so that they can experience the fullness and peace that I bring,”

Amen. I am so blessed. I can’t even express how blessed I am right now. I know that sounds crazy, it still makes me laugh when I realize that I am thankful for this horrible situation, how can I be thankful for this? I have never been at this point in my faith and as much as it kind of scares me, I am so excited and on fire for God. This is why I was created, to share how amazing God is, how forgiving He is, that no matter how much I had ignored him for years He is moving in my life and I can see his hand in every step of the way.

Praise God.

He is Good, always and forever.

 

#blessed

Soul Searching

Hello lovelies,

So, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I mean, what else is one supposed to do when everything in your life completely falls apart, right?

I’ve been analyzing my past, my decisions, fighting feeling like an idiot…

The uncertainty of my whole world right now is enough to make me just want to curl up and stay in bed for the rest of my time on this earth.

Obviously, that isn’t what will happen. That isn’t what I was put here to do and while it’s a valid feeling for this overwhelmed introvert, I refuse to let this situation define me and make me miss out on the life God has mapped out for me.

I have come to the realization that I have been living selfishly.

Yes, selfishly.

My whole life I’ve gone to church, I had a journal that I wrote to my future husband in, I was saving my first kiss for my wedding day, I wanted to be a wife and mother SO BAD. To have home births, homeschool my kids and be a hippy mom, to sit in church with a whole row of children like my mother did.

I remember having other dreams too; I wanted to be an archaeologist, a singer, an actress, a navy seal, I wanted to get a malamute and travel around Alaska hiking, camping and kayaking and just be an adventurer out by myself with my dog.

But I always came back to wanting to be a wife and mom like my own mom. I admired her (and still do) and she is the most amazing, strongest woman I know.

I remember when I was in my teens, there was a visiting pastor from Kenya, he preached about the ministry they were doing there and he had a bunch of hand carved giraffes and other animals from the villages there he was selling to raise some money. I remember how excited I felt when I was asked to help him man his table, I was ecstatic to get to be part of something that was so important and I remember feeling I was called to go help people and be part of some kind of ministry.

But as I got older, all my other dreams kind of fell away because I got ‘boy crazy’. I compromised my standards constantly in search of “the one” and instead of following what God had put in my heart, I wound up twice divorced and a single mom.

What on earth happened?

I could go on for hours talking about where I went wrong, because I can actually think back to the first few times when I didn’t listen to the advice from my parents, people who were put on this earth who have far more life experience than I do and were given an outside perspective into my personal life and had given me sound advice which I in turn rejected and arrogantly thought I knew better only to now be proven wrong.

But, truthfully, dwelling on how stupid I was won’t fix anything it only hinders my progress.

When I think back to the few times I remember feeling called I realize that instead of thinking about it, reading my Bible, praying over the idea, asking people what they thought of it, I kept it to myself. I figured I couldn’t be a missionary because I was a woman, I was going to be a wife and mother and live the same kind of life my mom and other women I knew lived. Not because I was told point blank that this is what I should do, but because it was just what I knew and I figured that was what my life should be. I wasn’t going to be a missionary, I was going to raise a missionary.

I think that is where I went wrong, truthfully. Instead of believing I had heard what my calling was, I just blocked it out because I wanted this beautiful picture of a marriage and children and all of that instead of the possibility of being single and childless and chasing after God with everything within me. Not that that is what my future would have been like had I gone off to be a missionary, but it is one of those possibilities.

I’m not saying that being a wife and mother is bad or that God doesn’t call women to do those thing, but I have this feeling of regret, that I missed the point and that’s why I’m in the mess I’m in now.

Obviously, I do not regret having my son. He is the absolute best thing that has happened to me and I am so incredibly thankful I was chosen to be his mother. Even with as uncertain as life is I know God has a plan and he will never forsake me, no matter how many times I chose what I wanted over asking what he wants from me.

I’m changing that now. Now I am praying, I’m asking, I’m actively seeking God. I will no longer put what I want ahead of what he wants. I may not be able to run off and be a missionary in Africa right this moment, but what I can do is continue praying and reading my Bible. I can learn what it means to spread the Gospel. I can volunteer locally. I can bring my son with me to Church and community events to help people and show him what being a follower of Christ truly means. I know that this is something that I need to do with my life, I need to help others in any way I can. Who says I have to go help people in another country when there are thousands here who need our help? no one. For now, I feel called to help others and that can be done right here, right now.

I’m going through so many changes right now with everything, the only way I can describe it is this: you know how blacksmiths heat up metal and it melts and then they bash it into the shape they need it to be in? yeah, that’s what I feel like. Every day has it’s ups and downs.

But even through all this chaos, I can see God’s hand, I can feel his presence. Even when I’m bawling my eyes out over how unfair life is I can see how blessed I am and as always there is a shining light at the end of that tunnel and one day I will look back on this and think “wow, I don’t know how you did it, but thank you for bringing me through that, Lord.”

And boy, I cannot WAIT for that day