#Blessed

Hello lovelies!

****Disclaimer: I am a Christian and this post contains some spiritual revelations, so if that isn’t your cup of tea, feel free to skip over it. x ****

Sunday I had a “God moment” for lack of a better term. It really was more like an all day thing though, it started with church and took a while for me to really fully realize what God was telling me, but it was amazing and I wanted to share with you all.

At Church the past few Sunday’s the sermon series has been about Job. Which I found hilariously ironic because before the series had started I told my Mom that with everything going on in my life, I felt so much like Job. I identify with his story in ways I never thought I would. During this last sermon that was wrapping up the series the pastor shared this verse:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”

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And as I thought about it more and more as we were going home and before I had to leave again that evening to take my son to visitation, I started to think back to when I was younger and would listen to people’s testimonies and think they were amazing, I couldn’t relate as well with most of them because I was raised in a loving Christian home and going to Church, I had given my life to Christ out of love at a young age, at that point I hadn’t ever really experienced tragic loss, there was some family drama and even though that was painful it still didn’t feel like a great big thing that I needed redemption from. I felt like my testimony was “boring” somehow because of how peaceful my life had been, all 14 years of it at that point.

Boy has THAT changed.

I miss my innocent days, honestly. Before I went through my apathetic Christian stage and made some bad choices. But throughout that day I realized that sure, this situation I’m in sucks, and yes, I wish it was different, but now? now I have a testimony of how amazing God can be even after we go through a period of ignoring him and seeking our own path.

I never rejected God, but I chose to live with my husband before we were married and have a sexual relationship out of marriage. I couldn’t go to church because of the guilt I felt, I couldn’t open my Bible to read it because of my guilt, I couldn’t hardly pray, I would start trying to pray like I normally had and I would stop because how could I ask God for anything or even just speak to Him when I was not only blatantly disobeying Him but dishonoring my parents as well. It was a really hard time in my life, I had never felt like I couldn’t speak with God like that before or since. I know I could have still prayed, but I didn’t feel right about it because my spirit wasn’t right with Him.

So that was my first revelation; that I now have a testimony from a different perspective that I will be able to share eventually in order to help others through similar situations.

I felt more at peace after that, going to church and worshiping normally leaves me with that feeling anyway, but I felt like I’m allowing God to show me my purpose and trusting him more than I ever have.

So, after this I took my son to visitation had an unpleasant encounter with someone that left me a bit spooled up and I called my mom while walking around Target for the two hours I had to be in town waiting. After speaking to my Mom I felt more at peace again, then I got a text from my sister that left me stressed out and worrying once again. As I was driving home and my brain kept turning over what she had told me I stopped myself and turned the radio up louder. The song that was playing was David Dunn’s ‘I wanna Go Back’ I’ve heard this song quite a few times, but it hit home more at this moment and I just started singing as loud as I could and worshiping. If you haven’t heard it here is the chorus:

“..I wanna go back
To Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me
For the Bible tells me so
I wanna go back
To this little light
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
I wanna go back..”

It just hit me right at that moment because I really do miss the days when life was simpler, when God was all I needed and I started to realize that this storm I am going through is exactly what I needed to remember that God really is all that I need and that no matter what happens, He is always there for me.

That’s when the song changed and Toby Mac’s “Beyond Me” started playing.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I’ve never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond me
Yeah, it’s out of my league
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond me
It’s way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin’ on You
I’m leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin’ it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can’t handle on my own
And Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

I have always loved this song, but I started singing along and as I sang my revelation really sank in and I just started laughing. This warm feeling of peace and happiness started to wash over me and I just worshiped while driving down the road. It was amazing, it was wonderful, it was a total Spiritual moment. I could feel God’s presence with me in the vehicle, driving home with me.

But that’s not the end of my story, nope. As I was turning onto the driveway to head home, guess who was stopped on his way out? yup. The man I have spent the last four years devoted to, the one I was praying for, the one I had a child with, the one I forgave and loved and fought for even though he broke my heart countless times, the man I would have never given up on.

I continued driving and singing my way down the road and at that moment, God revealed to me that this was the third time today the devil has tried to steal my joy. Every time I had started to feel at peace something had happened to get my anxiety going and make me worry again. I thought back to every moment the last few months where I have had my joy taken and I refused to have this moment taken from me right now. I can’t even describe accurately what happened next but it was amazing and completely out of my comfort zone, I know I am going to sound like a crazy person here for a moment, but I just laughed in satans face as I rebuked him. It was the most empowering moment I have had in my life (aside from giving birth, because that trumps everything and was one of the first times in my adult life I had felt the Holy Spirit’s presence) I just spoke and the words came out. I told him he had no place in my life, that my joy and my faith was in God, that no matter what happens in my life he cannot have me and he will not win. I am going to serve God til the end of my life and nothing this world throws at me will change that, if anything the more pain and heartache I receive will push me closer to God, so bring it on.

I realized that this situation is the most amazing thing that could have happened to me, because without this heartbreaking situation I would have continued my lukewarm existence, I wouldn’t have found the strength I have right now, I wouldn’t have pursued Christ like I am at this moment, I wouldn’t have this testimony to share. I am so thankful for absolutely everything in my life and I am done dwelling on my mistakes. God has taken them and thrown them as far as the east is from the west, he has washed away my sins and I am free to be in his presence, a new creation and claim myself as the Daughter of Christ. How amazing is that? how wonderful is it that God looked at me and said, “YOU are my beloved, I am with you even though you have fought against me, even though you have disobeyed me, I know this is going to hurt you but I will be with you through the whole situation and I will help you grow into the wonderful, beautiful, strong woman that I know you are and you will be able to help others through your experience so that they can experience the fullness and peace that I bring,”

Amen. I am so blessed. I can’t even express how blessed I am right now. I know that sounds crazy, it still makes me laugh when I realize that I am thankful for this horrible situation, how can I be thankful for this? I have never been at this point in my faith and as much as it kind of scares me, I am so excited and on fire for God. This is why I was created, to share how amazing God is, how forgiving He is, that no matter how much I had ignored him for years He is moving in my life and I can see his hand in every step of the way.

Praise God.

He is Good, always and forever.

 

#blessed