So, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I mean, what else is one supposed to do when everything in your life completely falls apart, right?
I’ve been analyzing my past, my decisions, fighting feeling like an idiot…
The uncertainty of my whole world right now is enough to make me just want to curl up and stay in bed for the rest of my time on this earth.
Obviously, that isn’t what will happen. That isn’t what I was put here to do and while it’s a valid feeling for this overwhelmed introvert, I refuse to let this situation define me and make me miss out on the life God has mapped out for me.
I have come to the realization that I have been living selfishly.
My whole life I’ve gone to church, I had a journal that I wrote to my future husband in, I was saving my first kiss for my wedding day, I wanted to be a wife and mother SO BAD. To have home births, homeschool my kids and be a hippy mom, to sit in church with a whole row of children like my mother did.
I remember having other dreams too; I wanted to be an archaeologist, a singer, an actress, a navy seal, I wanted to get a malamute and travel around Alaska hiking, camping and kayaking and just be an adventurer out by myself with my dog.
But I always came back to wanting to be a wife and mom like my own mom. I admired her (and still do) and she is the most amazing, strongest woman I know.
I remember when I was in my teens, there was a visiting pastor from Kenya, he preached about the ministry they were doing there and he had a bunch of hand carved giraffes and other animals from the villages there he was selling to raise some money. I remember how excited I felt when I was asked to help him man his table, I was ecstatic to get to be part of something that was so important and I remember feeling I was called to go help people and be part of some kind of ministry.
But as I got older, all my other dreams kind of fell away because I got ‘boy crazy’. I compromised my standards constantly in search of “the one” and instead of following what God had put in my heart, I wound up twice divorced and a single mom.
What on earth happened?
I could go on for hours talking about where I went wrong, because I can actually think back to the first few times when I didn’t listen to the advice from my parents, people who were put on this earth who have far more life experience than I do and were given an outside perspective into my personal life and had given me sound advice which I in turn rejected and arrogantly thought I knew better only to now be proven wrong.
But, truthfully, dwelling on how stupid I was won’t fix anything it only hinders my progress.
When I think back to the few times I remember feeling called I realize that instead of thinking about it, reading my Bible, praying over the idea, asking people what they thought of it, I kept it to myself. I figured I couldn’t be a missionary because I was a woman, I was going to be a wife and mother and live the same kind of life my mom and other women I knew lived. Not because I was told point blank that this is what I should do, but because it was just what I knew and I figured that was what my life should be. I wasn’t going to be a missionary, I was going to raise a missionary.
I think that is where I went wrong, truthfully. Instead of believing I had heard what my calling was, I just blocked it out because I wanted this beautiful picture of a marriage and children and all of that instead of the possibility of being single and childless and chasing after God with everything within me. Not that that is what my future would have been like had I gone off to be a missionary, but it is one of those possibilities.
I’m not saying that being a wife and mother is bad or that God doesn’t call women to do those thing, but I have this feeling of regret, that I missed the point and that’s why I’m in the mess I’m in now.
Obviously, I do not regret having my son. He is the absolute best thing that has happened to me and I am so incredibly thankful I was chosen to be his mother. Even with as uncertain as life is I know God has a plan and he will never forsake me, no matter how many times I chose what I wanted over asking what he wants from me.
I’m changing that now. Now I am praying, I’m asking, I’m actively seeking God. I will no longer put what I want ahead of what he wants. I may not be able to run off and be a missionary in Africa right this moment, but what I can do is continue praying and reading my Bible. I can learn what it means to spread the Gospel. I can volunteer locally. I can bring my son with me to Church and community events to help people and show him what being a follower of Christ truly means. I know that this is something that I need to do with my life, I need to help others in any way I can. Who says I have to go help people in another country when there are thousands here who need our help? no one. For now, I feel called to help others and that can be done right here, right now.
I’m going through so many changes right now with everything, the only way I can describe it is this: you know how blacksmiths heat up metal and it melts and then they bash it into the shape they need it to be in? yeah, that’s what I feel like. Every day has it’s ups and downs.
But even through all this chaos, I can see God’s hand, I can feel his presence. Even when I’m bawling my eyes out over how unfair life is I can see how blessed I am and as always there is a shining light at the end of that tunnel and one day I will look back on this and think “wow, I don’t know how you did it, but thank you for bringing me through that, Lord.”
And boy, I cannot WAIT for that day