So, I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking lately.
Digging deep into my heart and emotions as my brain replays clips from my past relationships. Where have I gone wrong, what could I have done differently…normal questions like that flood my mind, along with fighting the urge to once again tell myself I was SO stupid.
Negative thoughts won’t help anyone and they definitely don’t allow me to move forward either.
I have done a lot of healing and processing, but I can tell I still have a long way to go in the grand scheme of things. I still can’t believe that in only about four months it will have been a whole year since that fateful day in December 2016 when my whole life imploded.
One thing I have realized is that for the moment, I am perfectly content being single. Maybe I won’t be forever, but there’s a certain peace and comfort I feel at the thought of not having to try and pour so much of my empty, broken self into another person. I don’t have enough of anything to help anyone in that way right now and the kind of lover I am and the kind of lover I want to be are two vastly different things.
There are aspects I love about myself that are positive, but there are plenty of things I need to change about myself.
I love easily, passionately and wholeheartedly, this isn’t a bad thing, but it leads to fierce loyalty to the point where I won’t leave when I should because I feel so attached to that person that I can’t even fathom breaking things off, even when I can feel and know that it isn’t right.
I need to become more balanced, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that at all. I think it will come in time, but I need to give it time to happen.
When I fall in love, I become so dedicated to that person and their dreams that often my own dreams get moved to the back burner. I can’t…multitask my emotions for some reason, it’s all about them. I don’t think this is necessarily a really bad thing…but I need to be able to hang on to who I am and not just completely change to match someone else.
I feel like this is all stuff I should have figured out years ago, but there’s no use dwelling on that, I need to work this out now and allow myself to grow in these areas that I’ve noticed.
Another thing I have realized is I don’t want to be swept off my feet or fought over. I have had plenty of young men flirt with me and lately I have caught myself rolling my eyes. It feels forced, it feels fake…it’s like they try so hard and you can just tell it isn’t natural and I’d rather people just get to know me and let the conversation flow naturally.
I don’t want to be swept off my feet by some magical, sweet-tongued, unrealistic prince…I want a strong, capable warrior to build a strong foundation with me. I want a comfortable love, not passionless, but the kind that starts as a small spark and maintains a slow flame that keeps you warm all day not just a burst of flame that dies after a while and turns to ash.
I don’t want to be dragged to fancy restaurants where I’ll feel out of place and uncomfortable. I want someone who will take me out camping under the stars on a whim because we both had the time. Someone who will sing with me to songs we barely know the lyrics to and not care if one or both of us is off tune because we’re just having too much fun to care.
I want a real love, not a fairytale. I’m not saying anything is wrong with fairytales, I enjoy them, but I need a trustworthy man, someone who won’t run when it gets tough and won’t fall in love with another princess because he’s easily distracted by shiny things.
I haven’t quite figured out who I am even, which is sad really given that I’m 25 and a mother. I defined myself as a stay-at-home-wife-and-mom for so long, even before I was married I had wanted that for myself and now I’m redefining who I am and I’m realizing that I’m wild and unpredictable. Some days I wake up ready to take on the world, and others I want to lie in bed because the emotion feels crushing.
I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this…I’m just trying to process what I’ve been feeling lately. I never thought I would get to a point in my life where I’d be okay with being single. I know that someday I’ll want a man in my life as more than a friend, but right now I’m content with waiting on God’s timing. I’m definitely not out to find him anytime soon.
Right after my husband left me with nothing, I looked at my mom with tears in my eyes and a broken heart and said “I never want to be dependent on a man again,” and I still hold to that. I will make my own way in the world and if a man wants to join me, he can. If not, my life won’t be any less of a rich adventure.