It’s been awhile. I’ve been busy with life and trying to figure out what ‘life’ even is at this point.
But, I had a bit of a revelation today and wanted to share because I found it pretty interesting.
So, I have always been a bit clumsy.
While I don’t trip constantly or anything I have a tendency to bump into things and drop things. There are times when I do trip, especially if I’m deep in thought or in the middle of a conversation, and sometimes I catch things that I drop, other times I don’t.
Mainly this happens because there are just too many things going through my brain all at once, trying to multitask and think of all the things I need to do or have to do so I wind up moving too fast and dropping or bumping into something.
I thought I had outgrown my clumsiness because for the last (nearly) five years I have been much less clumsy. I think I’ve dropped a cup or plate maybe two or three times in that whole time. So I thought I had outgrown my clumsiness.
Within the last two weeks I have accidentally dropped three coffee cups, a bowl (two of which broke), slipped and fell while hiking and wound up with random bruises from bumping into stuff that I don’t even have a memory of doing.
Then, this morning, I poured myself a cup of coffee; got it all fixed the way I like it and set it on the counter before stepping away to finish something else.
I don’t know how it happened but I moved too fast and the cup missed the counter and fell, spilling coffee all over the floor. Thankfully, it didn’t break.
I started to get frustrated because; SPILLED COFFEE (*cries*) and also feeling insanely clumsy and I haven’t felt that way in so long and was slightly embarrassed even if it was only me in the room anyway.
But then I realized something. For the last five years, maybe I haven’t been clumsy but I also haven’t been very artistic or creative.
I had spurts of it, but not like now.
I was discouraged, I didn’t sing, I didn’t draw hardly ever because I just never was in the mood for it, I was bored constantly, I rarely sat and read anything, everytime I tried to pray I felt disconnected from God, I never played my guitar because I felt like it was twangy and after a few comments about my voice being “screechy” I never wanted to sing again anyway, so what was the point in playing guitar? basically, I became hollow and all the things that were part of who I am, suffered.
But now. NOW…
Now, I’m singing daily. Drawing more. Laughing more. Reading more. Praying more. Playing my guitar. I WROTE A SONG.
I am finding myself again.
And with that, my clumsiness is returning.
It may not be the most amazing feature, but to me it’s a sign that I am healing. I’m returning to myself. I haven’t seen this girl in so long and I just started laughing and then crying kneeling there in a puddle of spilled coffee.
I hadn’t realized how much of a hollow shell of myself I had become. I had moments and echos of my artistic, creative self, but I was so numb. I was apathetic. I hid my passion and tried to let it die because I had no way of letting it shine and now I’m feeling emotions again like it’s the first time and it can be overwhelming some days, but it make’s me happy.
As much stress as I have in my life right now, I just can’t believe how insanely blessed I am.
So the next time you start to get discouraged by being clumsy, just think about how amazing it is to have so much going on in your head that you rush because you’re just trying to get as much out of life as you can. Sure we may need to slow ourselves down sometimes, but there is nothing wrong with you. You’re just you, and that is beautiful.
God IS good.
All the time.